Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new