馃毇No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad鈥檚 phone number.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Find yourself a partner who鈥檒l sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma鈥檚, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
2020 was the worst escape room I鈥檝e ever done.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
11: Mom if you鈥檙e sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let鈥檚 just take a cab
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven鈥檛 even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division