Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Mornin
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it