Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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How is it still this week?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held