The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Wikigenius
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.