I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
You Might Also Like
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.