My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My favorite female superhero
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.