Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus