Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Lmao 🤣