I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Well well well…
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.