My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*