It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want