*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Children of the corn 🌽
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.