Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Natty or not?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.