What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant