Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
mmm onion ringos
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”