Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.