Duck typos.
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]