Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.