church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.