Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?