“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
i made a craigslist ad !
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.