My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.