I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
peak technology
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.