I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
? 💀
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
britain’s three elite institutions
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet