Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
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My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.