Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
lost dog