*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
(yawn)
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not