cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’