At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Sing it!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*