if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
kitchen magnet
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim