‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I will never stop laughing at this
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Midwest trash talk
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“just sayin” who asked you though?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.