(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
You Might Also Like
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
i was baptized in a car wash
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’