Yes, this is exactly right
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.