I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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Happy Caturday!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.