*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
relationship goals
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
i actually laughed 😩
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I think the cat got the dog high.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?