me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.