My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.