Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!