If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me driving through Toronto
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re