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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
reduce, reuse, recycle
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”