I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
🚲+physics = winner
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I needed a laugh this morning.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’