Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Duolingo getting serious.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.