I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Tremendous stuff
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger