You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
never deleting this app.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When you’re Kinky but poor
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]