spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
According to math, I’m broke
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?