Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
catch me on valentine’s day like
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Note to self: always read the final line
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*