If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
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Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.