Sing it!
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?