[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10